That's Why He Came

I just read a raw post by a friend of mine and got the courage to post this. It's actually a journal entry from Dec 18th. It came on a very rough day. Brian had been home from the hospital only 5 days and was still moving very slowly and cautiously. Christmas was a week away and I hadn't started ANYTHING. I was crumbling...


Dec 18th, 2009

I just sent Brian to Zach's preschool Christmas party because I'm refusing to go, and now I am crying and screaming at an empty house. I'm at a low point. Brian and I just fought over whether he should go to work. He announced he was headed to work after Z's program.

What????!!!!!

He couldn't make it to Target with me yesterday because he was in so much pain. He lays in bed all day, designs baseball cards until 12:30 a.m., sleeps in til 10, hurts when he sits and watches t.v. and now he's headed to work? He's a State Farm agent-he has to sit ALL DAY!

No beginner rehab? No easing into it?

I'm so frustrated. I hate that I'm frustrated. I hate myself for having so little patience or compassion. I hate that I haven't lasted 2 weeks without losing it. I hate that B feels guilty for being home and I contributed to it.

Lord I am weak. My sinful nature is rearing its super ugly head and making me super ugly. Please save my marriage. Please save my family from this downward spiral. We're feeling some heat from the last few weeks of difficulty and we're not getting stronger, we're getting weaker and it's my fault. I'm supposed to be holding us together and I'm failing.

It is humbling to know what a failure I've been. What a disgraceful mom and wife. It's one of the first times in my life I feel like I absolutely cannot get this one right.

That's why He came.

What Lord?

This is where grace comes in

I've never understood it. I'm unable to give it well, and I've been too prideful to understand how much I need it. My true ugliness has shown during this and it's been horrifying to watch.

That's why He came

I flippently prayed with the kids in the car on the way to school that we would focus on what Christmas is for.

For crap like this

(I'm quoting the Shack here) Lord, did you just say "crap"?

That's why He came

For losers like me who make their injured husbands feel so burdensome at home that he'd rather suffer at work, possibly making his back worse. For me, a mom who patronizes her kids and makes them feel terrible about running late or forgetting stuff. For me, who doesn't want to walk to the couch to hand her 4 yr old his juice. Who skips his Christmas program today because I'm too wrapped up in my own self-pity to show him I care.

That's why He came

For me, who manipulates situations to fit my agenda, my preference. For me who talks to the people I want to talk to and avoids the ones I don't. For me who would rather do facebook or watch T.V. than have talks with my kids at bedtime. For me, who doesn't want to be around other people's kids. For me, who gets internally irritated if people take longer than I want them to while telling a story. For me who makes time for friends but not for my husband or my kids.

That's why He came

He came for me. And my crap. And He still would have, even if there was no one else.

For me, who is often more concerned about money than people.

For me, who would rather nap than be productive.

For me, who talks behind people's backs and doesn't put others first.

Lord I want to be madly in love with Brian. I want to be madly in love with my kids. I want to be madly in love with you.

That's why He came